My eating habits are horrendous

When I go shopping, it looks like I am a single father getting ready for his weekend of custody with the kids. I can feel the judgment from the cashier at Safeway as he rings up the box of Lucky Charms followed by almond milk. See, the thing is, I used to eat VERY healthy. I'm talking two protein shake and plain chicken with broccoli daily. But that was when I was training for a marathon, or losing all the weight (some of which, admittedly, has returned), and I hated eating that way. Food makes me happy in ways that few other things do. I just do it a little differently is all.


Pete, why are you so obsessed with Pop Tarts?
Yes, my name is "PopTartPapi" on Twitter. Get it? Like Drake is "ChampagnePapi"? I've been asked a handful of times if I'm the one running the PopTarts Twitter account. That's my dream job, but I don't think they'd have me since it would be too difficult to separate work from leisure. These delicious "raviolis" were once my go-to panic meal. No joke, right now there's another box of S'mores in my car in case I get hungry between visits at work. I usually have two boxes in the house: blueberry is the staple, and then one pack of something that catches my eye in the aisle. Look, I acknowledge that these have absolutely zero nutritional value, but I don't care. Oh, and I eat them cold. Hate me if you must.

Pickles for days
I used to hate pickles and mustard on everything. I must have tried them on something at a young age and sworn off them for good. But the years I've wasted on avoiding them like the plague will haunt me forever. One time, I went on a juice cleanse (cue eye roll). I was so hungry and panicked that I looked up something, anything I could eat. A questionable website told me that pickles were OK, and I took that at face value and downed about 6 spears. I've never looked back since.

Dinner for one: the rotisserie chicken
When I was single, I didn't really eat out much. Cooking every night, however, is exhausting. So on grocery days, I would make my life a little easier, and grab a hot rotisserie chicken from the deli. Rotisserie chickens are a great way to make a meal much faster, because the chicken is cooked, all you have to do is shred it up and put it in your soup, tacos, whatever. That's not how I play it. I would pick something on Netflix, crack open an IPA, and just dig in on that sucker with my bare hands. The only problem is, my hands get so greasy, I can't pick up the remote to change whatever I picked to watch. That's a lot of pressure.

Oh dear lord what? Saltines and Frosting
Yeah, this one is the worst by far, I can see that. There's a good story behind this one, though, I promise. My grandparents fell on some hard times when my mom and uncle were growing up, so they had to make some cuts. One of those cuts was desserts altogether. This really upset my uncle, and so he demanded that they get something at the store. My grandma Jo did what she could, and grabbed saltine crackers and Betty Crocker frosting. At the time, it totaled to about $1 together. She then sold it as a classic Byrnes family recipe, and my uncle was all in. He still has those two things in his pantry, just in case. I was introduced to it at age 17, and I turned it up a notch. Funfetti frosting goes in the fridge, and only eat it when you're coming home after a night out. Try it, believe me.