I still go to a pediatric dentist because of course I do

Let me paint you a picture: You’ve just called in to your office saying that you are coming in 4 hours late because of a teeth cleaning. You’re filled with misery because you are prepared for the hellscape that is the dentist’s office. Sterile waiting rooms with outdated magazines and elevator music while you’re panicking about not eating and knowing that the fluoride is going to keep you from having lunch before you have to go back in. Honestly, I’m just guessing here because I’ve never been to one. I go to a magical place instead.

Pediatric dentists offices are the greatest place on the planet. I walk in, and everyone knows me, like Cheers. I’ve been going to this place for 20 years, no exaggeration. I attend alone, as opposed to all the other patients who have their moms with them, so I don’t have to wait while I update my paperwork. This draws some attention, however, because I’m a grown man and the most common look I get from people is “where’s your kid?”, but I don’t let that stop me. I sign off that my address hasn’t changed and go over to the PS2 with LEGO Star Wars 2 on it and get after it.

Beyond the waiting room lies a land of wonderful sight gags. Everything is made for kids, because Duh, and I’m a 6’2”, 200 lb bearded man with tattoos. Their x-ray room magnetic mat is basically a loincloth (you have to protect the boys). Then we get to the dentists’ chair, where we have to already lean it all the way back, then I slide in sideways, and my knees are bent at a 90 degree angle and completely on the floor.

The dental assistant (that has been my dental assistant my entire life but who’s name I have never bothered to learn tells me that I’m her favorite because I stay so still and I’ve “gotten so big”) comes by. She may or may not have some level of attraction to me now, but that gets into some weird territory. She goes over the choices of toothpastes that I can get: cherry, strawberry, cookies and cream, bubblegum, mint. This is another instance where my fully developed mind comes in handy. I already know these are my options AND I know my options for the fluoride after the cleaning. I can plan this out to get a satisfying combo. This is something not everyone that’s in that office has the foresight to do. Cookies and cream to finish of with mint gets sort of a girl scout cookie vibe going in my mouth while still making me feel sufficiently clean. All the while this is going on, I’m watching 1/8^th of the Sandlot for the 50^th time, and it always seems to be the same part.

Then Dr. Tooth (name changed to protect anonymity since I’m not sure what I’m doing is exactly legal) comes out. He asks me how work is, and I can tell that he’s refreshed to have an actual conversation with a patient. This is why he keeps me around. He chats with me about adult problems and asks if I have any questions and that things look good, maybe one joke about the tooth fairy, and then sends me on my way. He walks me to the door and tells me this is going to be the last time. I take my toy and tell him I’ll see him in 6 months.